THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING CORRUPT: A Proposal by Ayo Sogunro

That Vexatious Issue

Like any patriotic Nigerian, I have once again
turned my thoughts to the problem of tackling
corruption in the country. Of course, better
people than myself have also expounded on this
issue and given their own suggestions—none of
which has worked so far. And because of this
failure, Nigerians—and foreigners—have
simply resigned to fate, and accepted the
continued existence of corruption in the
country: like a tiresome but strong-muscled
housewife—you can't stand her and you can't
send her packing.
However, I am here with delightful news:
having contemplated the problem again, I have
thought of a way to eliminate corruption. In
this regard, our religious readers have a point:
only fasting and prayer could have done this,
for it was after a long spell of impecunity-
induced hunger that it struck me, forcefully,
and with some bite, that the vocal social
crusaders of my generation have been
approaching the issue of corruption very
wrongly.
Why do I think so? Because these current
crusaders tackle the issue in the same manner
as their predecessors: writing long articles no
government official will read, shouting on TV,
demanding vigorous anti-corruption laws,
crying for enforcement of anti-corruption
laws, punishment of offenders, transparency in
government—and a lot of other yawn inducing
measures. Who needs all that wahala?
Certainly not my hungry stomach. And
definitely not our busy, hardworking
governments. In any case, none of the
suggested reforms has had any effect, even
when implemented. In fact, the more one tries
to enforce these reforms, the more corrupt
the country becomes! As a general example,
take the EFCC, which—forget it, you know how
that hilarious experiment ended.
It is popular wisdom that only a mad man
repeats the same process and keeps expecting
a different result. It is therefore obvious that
we cannot keep trying to tackle corruption the
same way these social crusaders and activists
keep on suggesting, and expect a different
result. And if anyone argues otherwise, it is
only proper to have him or her locked up in a
mental asylum. Does this mean there is no end
to corruption in Nigeria? Of course not! The
solution I will propose in the next few
paragraphs is foolproof enough to put an end
to corruption in Nigeria—at least, as a
problem, if not as a concept.
The Inevitability of Corruption
Now, it is generally accepted that although no
sensible Nigerian praises corruption—not even
privately—yet every sensible Nigerian, and his
brother, practices it in one form or another.
Trying to avoid corruption in Nigeria is to
prepare for an early grave. You will wake up
every morning cursing the government, you will
get delayed by policemen, your files will go
missing in government ministries, your days will
screaming be spent ranting at civil servants,
teachers, lecturers, clerks, gatemen, registrars,
contractors, permanent secretaries, doctors,
judges, lecturers, policemen, until you give in
to a fatal heart attack, or at least, an
apoplexy. We will bury you with fanfare and
continue with our corrupt lives.
What's worse: at judgment, you will be blamed
for failing to "give unto Caesar what is
Caesar's". The point is: we all have been
involved in some corrupt transaction at one
point or another in our journey as Nigerians.
Its as much a part of life in Nigeria as soaking
garri is in a boarding school. Nobody is proud
of it, but nobody can deny it. And that brings
us to my main point.

The Final Solution

You don't have to send a tiresome wife
packing: embrace her and she will stop being a
problem—assuming, of course, that she doesn't
strangle you in the process. Treat corruption as
a friend and not as an enemy, because fighting
it only makes it stronger. So, we will no longer
fight corruption: instead, we will make it our
prime commodity. We will pass legislation
making corruption a legal phenomenon. We will
start by removing all those useless anti-
corruption laws (since they are not enforced
anyway), stop requesting transparency in
government spending and activities, and start
giving national honours to people who have
demonstrated the most admirable cleverness in
setting up excellent corruption schemes.

Now, before you throw your hands up in alarm,
consider this. Nothing, really, will have to
change. We are practicing all of my
suggestions already, only that we do it
secretly, instead of publicly. So why suffer at
both ends? Why not simply make the whole
issue legitimate, and be done with? For those
activists who keep predicting that corruption
will destroy us: has it done so? No! In fact,
corruption unites us all. The man from the
North and the man from the South can jointly
sit down together and loot everybody else.
What better demonstration of unity can you
get? Take a look at our major political party.
As long as it was corrupt, it was a united house.
Soon as some elements started pretending to
an air of righteousness: breakdown! That's a
lesson for us all: corrupted we stand,
pretended we fall.

Of course, everybody cringes from the word
"corruption". It does not sit well with our
super-religious nature. You see, corruption is
not our problem: the word "corruption" is the
real problem. We have to fight this word very
seriously. We will ban it from our languages,
and issue a Nigerian edition of the English
dictionary, erasing the word "corruption", and
redefining those actions that the world calls
"corruption" under names more suitable to our
spiritual palate: "facilitation", "logistics",
"miscellaneous", "appropriation" and so on and
so forth. We will wipe out the word
"corruption" from Nigeria.
Even though the advantages in a nationwide
legitimisation of what is currently referred to
as corrupt activity cannot be quantified, I will
attempt to summarise some obvious benefits in
the next paragraphs.

1. Conserving Public Funds
First, we will conserve the public funds
currently spent on "anti-corruption". We all
know this so called "fight against corruption"
is a mockery, a joke, but we keep spending
public funds on it anyway. This wasteful
spending will stop. With our new ideology, we
can cheerfully dismantle the EFCC, the ICPC
and all those special fraud units of the police
force. We will save: the money paid as salaries
to the idle staff of the agencies; the
expenses spent on importing technical
equipment that do nothing; and the monies
spent on investigations and prosecutions that
yield no results! Do the math, and you will see
the clear advantage in this.
Of course, there is the downside that
governments in power will no longer be able to
arrest political opponents on charges of
corruption: but that can be remedied by
setting up a Corruption Commission that would
investigate and arrest people who have a clean
balance sheet, but are opposed to the policies
of the government.
Even more splendidly, we can stop wasting all
the money we spend on elections, and simply
allow the politicians to sort themselves out
every four years—just as they have always
done.

2. Increased Public Revenue
Also, legitimising corruption will boost
government revenue. Taxes can be imposed on
income derived from corrupt—or rather,
"miscellaneous"—activities. A number of
Nigerians make more money illegitimately than
they make legitimately, with the legitimisation
of corruption, this excess income can be taxed
as well. Our Oga Perm Sec no longer has to
worry about keeping foreign bank accounts.
The government will take its percentage, no
questions asked. Here is the further usefulness
of this idea: the money stolen
—"appropriated"—from the government
coffers is taxed again by the government! And
so, instead of the money fleeing Nigeria to
other countries, it can be utilized here in
Nigeria, for the good of the general public.
Somehow.
On a related note, the government can also
factor corruption expenses into the national
budget—so that we all know that even though
N200bn has been budgeted for education this
year, only N10bn will actually be spent. As long
as we all know this from the start it's not
really an issue anymore, and the newspapers
can learn to shut up.

3. Contributing to Human Knowledge
Speaking of education: by legitimizing
corruption, we will open up a whole new field of
human endeavour. Finally, Nigeria can take
pride in its contribution to human philosophy
and knowledge. We will take strive for—and
pride ourselves in—the title of Most Corrupt
Country in the world. "419" will become a mark
of honour. Our most corrupt politicians will be
rewarded with even higher political offices.
Our football clubs will demonstrate how to
score a 100 goals in a 90minute game. Our
school syllabus will include corruption related
subjects; the school awards will go to the
students who can pass without even taking the
exam. We will launch degrees in Corruption
Studies, and encourage doctorates in Advance
Fee Fraud. Nigeria will become a centre of
learning, as people come from all over the
world to hear our most corrupt lecturers share
their inspirational success stories. We will be
the Giant of Africa once again, and this time,
for more valid reasons.

4. Increased Foreign Investment
We all love dollars, and legitimising corruption
will create an influx of even more dollars. This
may seem doubtful at first look, but consider
the possibilities. Shrewd businessmen will flock
from all over the world to hide their assets in
Nigeria, safe from the clutching fingers of
their anti-corruption agencies. International
corporations will prefer to do business in
Nigeria for the free money they will get—
therefore creating job opportunities for
Nigerians. And when things go bad, we will
readily grant asylum to international fugitives
wanted on corruption related charges, and even
pardon our indigenous fugitives convicted in
foreign courts. And, of course, we will swindle
our foreign investors from time to time—as a
matter of principle. And they will respect us
for that.

All Those Activists and Social Crusaders

We will have to shut them up, firmly. In fact, I
propose that we make anti-corruption a crime
straightaway. Anybody found discussing how to
fight corruption should be arrested and
charged as an economic saboteur. No one really
likes these people anyway—those impudent
people, always demanding their rights and what
have you; insisting on due process; criticising
the government, preaching to their fellow
citizens, refusing to bribe the policemen; and
generally making life uncomfortable for
everybody else around.
These people are selfish and ungrateful to the
system that produced them. They simply want
their voices to be heard and we don't need
their hypocritical protests. In fact, hanging is
too good for them. They should all be exiled
from Nigeria, and sent to Europe and the US
where their opinions are wanted.

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